SEPTEMBER 2020
The Normal Family
When exploring the family background of my clients, many describe their upbringing as “normal”. Yet when we delve further into exactly what they mean by normal, quite often there is the realisation that their upbringing was anything but normal. This is not because it was necessarily chaotic, but more that what is normal for you may not be normal for me. So really there is no such thing as normal, it’s really just what you have experienced and come to accept as normal.
So when we are struggling with our feelings and emotions, it is easy to disregard our past believing that our family environment was just “normal”, and that everyone experienced the same things as you did, when in fact your experiences were unique. There may be others with similar experiences, but not the same. Even a brother and sister will experience a different “normal” because their parents will have changed through experience and everyday life since the birth of the first born.
Exploring your past can help you understand how and why you operate the way you do in the present. Nobody is normal, we are all different and that difference is what makes the world interesting. So be interested in your past as it holds the key to your future.
AUGUST 2020
The Elephant in the room
The article linked below sets out very well the process of change and the challenges we face when looking at our emotional responses to situations. I particularly like the comparison to elephants. We are slow to change our embedded behaviours but like the elephant we can be trained. It takes time and patience but it can be done.
Click below to read the article.
July 2020
“You sound just like your Dad”
I occasionally catch myself talking, laughing or responding to something, and realise I sounded like my Dad (or this is pointed out by someone else). It’s not just physical genetics we inherit from our parents, our language and emotional responses are all passed down as well to some degree. We might be more like one than the other, or blend of both, but most of us will consider at some point which of our parents we are more like, unless of course you have never known them, which raises bigger questions for some about why they are the way they are. For some people the prospect of growing up to be like one of their parents is uncomfortable and, in some cases, massively problematic for any number of reasons.
The point I’m making though, is we are the product of our parenting, good or bad. So when we question why we are the way we are, why we have a short fuse, why we struggle to open up to others, it’s because that’s how we were raised. If you grow up in a house were no one discusses their emotions or you never saw your parents cry, you will struggle to deal with your own feelings because you haven’t been shown how to.
Our parents model a way of being for us. We take this forward into our own lives, but it doesn’t mean we can’t change it.
JUNE 2020
Change requires action
We are creatures of habit, some good ones and some bad. These patterns of behaviour start at an early age based on our upbringing, our environment and formative experiences, some of which may be positive and others less so. Either way, it is these experiences that make us who we are today. So when questioning why we are the way we are, we only need to explore our past to find the answers. Once we build an understanding of this, we can then set about making changes. We can identify the triggers, recognise the patterns and cycles, and with increased self-awareness we can build the strategies to enact change. But nothing will change without taking action. When will you start the process? Who will support you through it? Can it be done alone? How long have you been putting it off? What will happen if I don’t take action?
The first steps are often the scariest and there will often be a few tumbles along the way, but change is possible.
May 2020
Panic Attacks – what’s the trigger?
No amount of theory or learning can help you to truly understand the feeling of utter terror one feels when having a full blown panic attack. I know this because I have studied the theory, and I have experienced panic attacks.
Some years ago a traumatic event from my childhood re surfaced, my general anxiety levels increased and when in certain environments (large shopping centres or supermarkets were the ones that got me), I had panic attacks. I could feel it rising inside me and no amount of controlled breathing would help. I needed to get out and on making it through the nearest exit and into a car park I burst into tears. After a few minutes I was okay and though a bit wobbly I went back in to continue the day as best I could.
What I found interesting at the time is that I didn’t immediately connect the past events with the anxiety/panic I felt in that moment. The two events seemed unrelated, but our bodies remember and hold on to our past no matter how far back it goes or how much we try to bury it. I needed to acknowledge, explore and process what had been going on for me, that which had caused the past events to be stirred up. Until I did that, it would continue to manifest in the form of these unpredictable moments of terror.
Once you recognise what the potential triggers are, when you start to acknowledge certain feelings are being stirred up, you are better placed to control your emotional responses. Building this kind of self-awareness is what can be gained through counselling.
April 2020
Beneath the surface.
I found the below image online some time ago and I printed a copy and stuck it above my desk. It provides me with a constant visual reminder of how complex we all are under the surface. We do our best to demonstrate to others the best side of ourselves, yet we all have an expansive and complex network of roots buried beneath us.
We all have a past and a personal history that is hidden from the public eye. That history informs who we are and occasionally needs to be explored to better understand our behaviours and feelings. We can bury it underground but we can’t escape it as we are attached. So it might be better to work at developing a greater understanding of what made us who we are today. It might make for a better future.
March 2020
The world is changing……
Something we can neither see, smell, hear, taste or touch is impacting on our lives in ways we struggled to imagine. The sheer volume of news about the coronavirus is overwhelming and the cumulative responses of those around us will impact on even the most calm, pragmatic and measured individuals throughout the world.
So how do we maintain calm in a moment like this? How do we measure our responses to the adaptions, changes and sacrifices we are being asked to make? Where should our focus be and what can we do to alleviate the growing pressure and anxiety that is building?
The below image sets this out quite nicely. I hope it helps.
FEBRUARY 2020
Loss, grief and reconfiguration.
Loss comes in many forms, most obviously death, but also loss of a relationship through separation, loss of a job, and any or all of these things could lead to a loss of identity. But why do such losses affect us the way they do? Why do we grieve and what does it take to move ourselves on from such seismic shifts in our lives?
I have found it useful to think of our world of relationships like a web of connections. This is after all pretty much what is going on with the neural pathways in our brains. So the connection to someone close to us like a parent, will be much stronger, a friendship that has formed recently will be a weaker connection, and a friend of a friend will be weaker still.
So, when we experience a loss, that connection is severed. Your brain is so used to that strong connection, you are so used to that person being there, that to suddenly have it disconnected causes a strong emotional response. We become overwhelmed with emotion which in turn impacts on our behaviours. Our brains then need to reconfigure to adapt to life without that person. In some ways we need to form new connections elsewhere to replace the old. It can impact on many other of our existing relationships. Relationships that you historically valued can lose their meaning whilst other people suddenly seem more important.
Thinking about loss in a cognitive way might not sound very empathic but to build an understanding of what is happening in your brain can help to understand what you can do to help the process. Simply getting on with our day to day lives will only work for so long. We need to find the time to acknowledge and reflect on the loss and the feelings that are attached. Having the time and space to process these feelings can release the pressure that has been building. Like all processes it takes time and there will be good days and bad days, but ultimately, we can get through it. Over time it is then about forming new connections, getting back out there and taking emotional risks. Join local groups based on your interests. Get back in touch with old friends. Reignite your passions or try the thing you always wanted to try. The loss will remain, but you can continue to grow your world around it.
January 2020
How long will this take?
This is a frequently asked question by those who have not previously had counselling. I’d love to be able to give a precise answer, but its a bit like doing up a house. You have some great ideas what you want it to look like, but until you start stripping back the wallpaper or pulling up the carpets, you have no idea what might be hiding behind or underneath.
Also, until you have experienced counselling and developed an understanding of what it entails, how can you decide if it will benefit you. Money and time are also considerations. Private counselling is not cheap, but then again can you put a price on mental well being?
Personally, I want to enable you to be your own therapist, to have better self knowledge and understanding so you can make changes and adaptions to get things back on track yourself. I aim to do this in as short a time as possible and the more the individual engages with the process the better. Open ended counselling can become unproductive and time limited counselling can be too restrictive. Better to have some clear aims at the start and to review after an agreed period of time. For myself this is normally 6 or 12 weeks.
Having benefited once from counselling, some will re access it at other points in life. Finding a good therapist can itself be of comfort even if you haven’t seen them for years. Just knowing you have someone there to work things through with can help.
So to answer the question “How long will it take” , the best I can say is “It all depends on you”.
December 2019
Emotional Investments
We do not have unlimited emotional energy so we need to think carefully how, when and in whom we invest this valuable commodity. In less challenging times this may not need to be considered, but when dealing with a bereavement, a loss of other kinds (job/relationship), or times of heightened anxiety, it is worth considering. A healthy relationship should be reciprocal e.g. you both get something out of it. But most of us will have experienced a relationship where it is “one way traffic”. It might be you have been able to support the other person selflessly in the past, but now you need support they are not there for you.
Self care sometimes involves some difficult decisions but if we don’t look after ourselves, we can find ourselves with nothing left in the tank. It might be that you need to step back from certain relationships to allow yourself the time and space to heal or recharge. It might be that you consider investing your emotional energy elsewhere with someone who understands your circumstances and can share what’s going on for you both.
This does not mean we should jump from one friendship to another as soon as it gets tough. Like all relationships it will have its ups and its downs. But a ship that constantly veers to one side will only go round in circles.
Life is fluid - we age and we change, and so do some of our friendships or relationships. What worked well at one period of your life might not work so well now. You can either ride it out or step away and look elsewhere. But if you are too invested and you get nothing in return, it might be time for a change.
Invest wisely and you will see the benefits.
NOVEMBER 2019
Mindreaders …..we are not.
When I say we, I do not mean therapists, I mean we as in human beings. Yet when living with partners for so long it is common to find ourselves thinking or saying “well they should know me by now, they should get it when I act this way”. These kind of statements (ones I have found myself saying) imply that we are relatively simple creatures, entirely predictable and easy to understand. If only this was the case.
We carry with us a history that informs who we are, how we behave and how we interact with others and the world around us. Unless you know someones history in detail, it will be very hard to understand why they behave the way they do. Within in each relationship there are two histories playing out in the same space and this can get messy. But it can be managed.
Don’t think the other person knows or should know what is going on your head. You have to tell them as like you, they are not mindreaders.
OCTOBER 2019
Scripts
In counselling I often help clients identify what their “script” is. By “script” I do not mean rehearsed lines to recite in public. In counselling, a script is a short phrase that defines much of your emotional response and subsequent behaviours. Your script might be “No one listens to me”, or “I am unlovable”. Scripts are formed in out childhood and get played out throughout out life, often there are more than one. By identifying your script you bring it into the conscious, so when an event triggers your script you can recognize the pattern of behaviour and start to work at changing the script. Scripts can be changed or adapted with increased self awareness and understanding.
SEPTEMBER 2019
The Power of Vulnerability - Brenee Brown
So to kick off this first (hopefully of many) blog posts, I want to share this video which has racked up 43 million views and counting. At least 10 of those are mine. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is challenging to all of us. Fear, guilt and shame are some of the reasons why we struggle to be open and honest about our feelings, yet there are huge benefits in doing this. Brenee Brown breaks this down in detail sharing her own journey and making us laugh along the way.